When I Am Crowned King...

1. No one shall chew with their mouth open. It's a disgusting habit. If you are caught you shall be put in the stocks for a minimum of two days. If you chew chips with your mouth open, the punishment is increased. You shall be drawn and quartered.

2. Endorsing the everyday use of slang, regional corruptions, leet speak, Internet talk, or any other form of butchering the English language will be considered a capital offense. If caught speaking or utilizing said abominations, you will be forced to read and write a report about a classic novel. If it's done in my presence, your tongue will be cut out and your hands cut off so that you may never again harm anyone with your ill expressed thoughts.

3. Reality Television will be banned and replaced with new episodes of M*A*S*H, Firefly, Seinfeld, and autobiographical dramatization of my exploits.

4. March 28th will be a named a world holiday and everyone will be required to buy me presents.

5. Chris Jenkins shall not touch his crotch ever again.

It would be good to be king.

I'm Boned or, How I Would Do on a Deserted Island

Hey kids, I thought I'd lighten my mood after depressing the crap out of myself in my last post. So, I decided to examine the contents of my pockets; pants, jacket, or otherwise, and based on those items, see how well I would fare if I were, for some reason or another, marooned on an island by myself. So, without further ado, I give you, the s@#$ in my pockets.

1. Cellphone- This would largely be useless, being on a deserted island and all I really don't think I'd get a very strong signal. So, making a call for help would be out but, I'm under the impression, and I might be making this up, that there is a GPS chip in my phone. Maybe my rescuers will use that to find me. If nothing else, I might get a sense of security in it's familiarity. That or I could use it as a throwing weapon.

2. Wallet- Another item that would benefit me in no way, kind of like it's not helping me now but, it would undoubtedly be in my pocket because I always carry it with me, no matter how empty it is. Things aren't looking too good for me but, at least they can identify my body when they find my remains.

3. Gameboy Advance- Sure I'll be dying of starvation and exposure but hey, I won't be bored.

4. Keys- Hope? If I were a normal and manually competant person I might be able to use them as a clumsy sort of tool. If only I had some adeptness for manual labor. At least I could fixate on my key fob and have my own Wilson.

5. Rosary- Maybe if I pray hard enough God will send me a pizza...

6. Candy Cane- I Have food! Kind of.

That's it. That's all I have. Wow, I would be so screwed it's not even funny.

Does God Care?

So, I've decided that; in addition to telling you guys about the day to day, I'm going to go ahead and pick a subject a posting, and write on it. So, tonight I present you with "Does God Care?"

I suppose we're assuming that there is, in fact, a God so, I'll put doubt aside. On the one had we have all the suffering on this planet. All the pain and misery inflicted on people by other people and outside forces might make it a bit hard to believe he does. Epicurus (a Greek philosopher for the uninitiated) put it in an eloquent way when he said, “Is God willing to prevent evil but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”

The only rebuttal I've ever heard comes from the Bible in the book of Job. My understanding of the sum of it is that there was a good and God fearing man named Job that had been blessed by God with wealth, good health, and a loving family. So apparently, one day the devil went to God and said, “You know that the people have no real love for you. Take Job for example, he only praises and worships you because you have blessed him. If you took them away, I'd bet you he'd curse you in a second.” God disagreed so they made a wager. God would take everything from Job and, if Job cursed him, the devil won. If not, victory goes to God. I'm not sure what they wagered but, I'm under the impression that it was nothing. So, God kills Job's family, ruins his health, and takes his wealth. Job does not understand why God is doing this to him because he has been a good, god fearing man his entire life. Job asks God why he torments him so and God asks him who he thinks he is, to question God's will. He tells Job that he cannot begin to fathom what the lord's plan is. Job accepts this.

I wouldn't. That's not good enough. If he he is truly omnipotent then he would have to give me a damn good reason for keeping evil around. In fact, I'm not sure that one exists. So yeah, God is a cruel bastard.

Weep. The End is Here.

Kids, I regret to inform you that, 2(B+T) is no more. Pulliam and I had a good run but, after not recording for months, we've decided to throw in the towel officially. No worries though kids, I've all ready begun work on my new project and I'll be posting a link as soon as I get it online.